Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
