Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
