i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
