I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
