you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
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Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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