Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
