bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
