um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
