she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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