My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
