summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
