i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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