I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My dick has a subreddit
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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