Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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