Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
