remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
