Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
