ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
