hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.