turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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