i already hear my dad disowning me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
