I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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