I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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