I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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