My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
