just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
