No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
