yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
