My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
