Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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