hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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