I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
