Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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