I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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