I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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