haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
