Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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