I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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