Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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