i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
