I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
