Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
