I love black thongs
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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