I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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