My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
