I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
