I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Randomize
