4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
