you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
