Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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