College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
