This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
