We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize