This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
