about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
