I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
