4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I think I died a long time ago.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
