i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
